I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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