Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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