Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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