You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
