So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
