when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
