He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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