Plan B is the new Plan A
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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