Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
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Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
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Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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