And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
