Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
