I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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