I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
