I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
