I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
