trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
