awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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