so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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