THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
