We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
