I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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