i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
