Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I think I sprained my soul last night
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
