I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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