girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We need a shit load of segways right now
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
