I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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