I heard we made out
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think your dad took our porno
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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