Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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