If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize