It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
