i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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