I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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