man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
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My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
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After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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