how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
