I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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