god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
