you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Boobs are out for the taking
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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