Umm I'm too high to move.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
