so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
