I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
