Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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