Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
