I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
