You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
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Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
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Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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