I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
