You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
