yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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