Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
