if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
