Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
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I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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