my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
my being single is dangerous.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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