It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
