Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
