If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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