Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
