I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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