cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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