Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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